Let me tell you about how I realised that my work REALLY FUCKING MATTERS

If you follow me on social media you would have seen the heartbreaking news.
The day before valentines I had to say goodnight to my Ozzie for the very last time. Again if you’ve been around for a while you probably know we had a bit of a journey to get here and he fought like the biggest little warrior that’s ever lived. It’s almost 4 years since he’s been given 9 months to live and as always - he proved everyone wrong and stuck around for so much longer - just to take care of me.

Now, because I’ve been through brain tumour with my first staffie Jim, I knew exactly what I needed to do - and that was make sure I had no regrets. I drove home after every wedding, no matter how far, so I would get to spend the night with my boy. I never said no to a play or walk, I didn’t go on holidays abroad. Instead I hired a van and travelled uk, or went around the coolest dog friendly airbnb’s. I told him how much I loved him every single day, I held him tight as often as he wanted me to. I made every day, every hour, every minute, every second count. This all obviously doesn’t heal the grief, but it brings me some sort of peace because I know that we both have done our best and gave it our all. We both just lived our lives together to the fullest.

However as horrible as this time is, and I really wish I could turn back the time and have couple more months together… the most extraordinary thing happened. Over the last couple days I’ve been buried in my phone essentially all day and all night long. I watch all the videos, I look over all the photos, I charged my old phones that have thousands more photos and clips of him and of us. And for the first time since I started this career 17 years ago. I realised, just HOW FUCKING IMPORTANT I AM.
I would like to think I have a good memory, I speak 5 languages after all. I can probably recite majority of marvel movies word by word. But there’s so many memories with Ozzie I could have forgotten, from some of the big ones - to mainly the small ones, the times when he made me smile when I was down, when he did rolly polly when I was be upset about a break-up but he still managed to make me laugh, when he was sunbathing and the world was perfect no matter what. When he kept me sane by demanding walks during lockdown number 1. When he played with his ex-step-sister Sisu , when he sniffed the cat for the first time without trying to kill him. All these things could have been sooner or later forgotten, but they will never be, I actually have a proof.

I have a way to relive it again, and again and again. And it brought me immense sense of peace and it brought me huge sense of pride in what I do. I am a great photographer and film maker. I have spent years getting better at the craft like learning how to deal with light and composition and editing, but mainly - I know how to portray the real emotions and I know how to make even people who REALLY hate being in front of the camera - at least somewhat comfortable. That is my superpower. That mixed with all the above is why I now fully understand how important it is to really invest in your photography and how important it is to get video too. Things translates differently in photos and videos. Photos are magical, you can print them out, you can put it as your screensaver, make a vision board, collage, cover your entire wall in them. But videos have the magic ability to bring you right back.

Look I wish I couldn’t be morbid in this blog, but life is not a fairy tale right and the thing is. We don’t appreciate photos and videos fully until it’s the only thing left from someone you really love and really miss. So make sure you invest in them.

There’s also another thing I wanted to talk about that I’ve only realised now since this all has been happening - and that is the whole ‘oh no my hair looks shit/I look fat/ I didn’t put makeup on/ I look tired today/…, don’t take photos of me’
Guys, the amount of photos I’ve had taken of us two that I hated on the day and my eyes would go straight to my belly or hair, the two main sources of shame over my looks.
And I felt horrible on the day and wish they weren’t taken in the first place.
But I look at them now and I only see me and my child having the most beautiful time together, I see the love between us, I see how much we cared for each other, our connection, the fun we’ve had. And guess what - the hair, or the size of my belly really doesn’t matter.

SO please even if you feel like you don’t look your best and you don’t want that documented. Don’t. Just get over it. I know it sounds stupid but I promise one day you will be SO grateful that you did. Honestly, book that family shoot, but the single shoot so you can whip up the photo album in 50 years time and look at just how happy, young, full of dreams you were. Book the shoot with your pets in matching outfits. Book the shoot where you transform into a Disney princess. I promise there will be a day in your life when you’re going to be so happy you did that. And honestly. Add video to your wedding. I promise you will not regret it!

Also, please book me, apparently throwing myself into work is the only thing that is keeping me somewhat happy right now!

Lots of love,
Nat xox

Taken by Keidi Vaikma